Who Will Be There For Me

Every single day it is the same story, I listen to other peoples problems. They rant about the issues of their life while I sit in silence. Occasionally I will make a comment and give a sigh so they know I am still listening. In the end, I offer a helping hand or some words of advice. It is all in confidence and respect. But after it is all said and done, who will be there to listen to my problems. These people are my close friends, but there will never room for discussion on my issues. When will it be my turn to let out the pain and have a shoulder to lean on and cry. The pain I bare is my own, and it is something I carry everyday. The hurt of isolation. The pain of a broken heart. All I could ever want is my family nearby and a man to call mine. These are things I will never attain. At night I wonder what it might be like, but all it causes is sorrow. So for now I tuck my feelings of hurt away and listen to the difficulties of everyone else's lives.

My Future & My Calling

My mom recently asked me why I decided to "aim low" career wise. What I told her was that I wanted to work in a children's psychiatric hospital, doing anything besides becoming the actual psychiatrist. This would lead me down a path to become a registered nurse. To me it is the complete opposite of aiming low. See I find working at a facility like that as my higher calling. When I am working with children I will be doing what I love, and that is when I know I will be making a difference. I want to change children's lives. I might not be saving them from death, but from self-detriment and harm. To me this is of the highest importance. As I save them, I know each and every child that passes through my care will have the same heartfelt impact on my life.

That Same Pain

It just so happened that the passion of love I had for him came back into my life. For the previous 4 months I thought it was here to stay, and blossom into something beautiful. But it was swift, and our love turned into distant memories yet again. Then the pain and heartache took over my soul, body and mind. Now begins another journey for me, and this time I tend to leave all hope of our love renewal behind. It is time for me to start loving myself and find joys in life I never thought were possible. I need to seek refuge in friendships and family, not in someone that could care less if I were in their life. It is a new beginning, and I tend to take full advantage of it.

Never Giving Up On Love

Most of my mind racing begins when I lay my head on that pillow. I keep running through the memories, questioning myself, trying to figure out this thing called love. I would lay in bed and the slightest hint of his memory can make every moment of our relationship come flooding in. It makes it seem like he was never gone, like the pain never came and the love never ended. People say it's the smallest things that truly matter. And the truth is, when it's over it's the simplest things that mean the most. The way we could laugh over the simplistic things in life. How we could act alone together, so childish, yet completely in love. The way he held me at night to how he touched me ever so gently during moments of sorrow. The way he spoke my name. The sweetness in his voice will cease to fade from my memory... It can go on, yet to know these little things weren't enough to keep us together shakes me to my core. No matter how often I dream of waking up to him by my side, they are just dreams. Nothing but a burning desire of mine. And everything that burns is destined to die out with time. It was the sweetness and passion of our love that showed me what it takes to share your heart with another human being. Now all there is to learn is how to share ones whole heart and soul. Till that day comes I have hope.

Who Are You?

We all grow up questioning our personality and means of purpose during the short years we call life. During my childhood I questioned myself quite frequently, always wondering who I was meant to become. We all have these concerns, we put ourselves into a mentality of constant "what ifs" and "is this right for me". For me it's always been a struggle between these questions. The struggle was a pull towards one desire and being torn between two lifestyles. To this day I struggle to find my true calling. I find comfort reading of others struggles, just so I know I'm not alone in this world. So I know I'm not an alien of these feelings. My constant struggle came into question today with the misfortunate events of the Aurora theatre shootings. I thought to myself, what would I have done if I was in that theatre. I think to myself I would be the hero, save lives and take down the bad guy. But no one truly knows what they would have done in that situation. So I put my personality in the spotlight and search for the answer. Am I strong enough to be the hero? Then for once in my life I become absolutely certain of what I am capable of. I believe that is my calling. I'm meant for something so much larger than being a student in this rundown town. I am meant for so much more. I am meant to change lives. To raise my voice to oppression. All I want to know is that I am capable of greatness. So to anyone that questions who they are, never be afraid to dream big. We are all capable of greatness.